A few years ago, I began to notice that I wasn’t particularly happy with my life. I was confused because it looked so good on paper: a loving husband, three smiling kids, a charming house with a yard big enough for a garden and a swing set and enough financial security to stay home full-time with our kids. Instead of being able to appreciate all of these things, I felt harried; I felt resentful; I felt like something was missing.
It took many months of soul-searching to figure out what was missing from the picture. Here are the cliff notes: It was me – I was missing. I had taken on my roles as mother, spouse, household manager with such fervor that I left myself behind. I wanted to provide my kids with every opportunity that I could; I wanted to keep a beautiful house with a garden that provided food; I wanted to make my husband happy, glad to come home after a long day at work. If you had told me when I was twenty-two that I would be emulating June Cleaver in twenty years, I would have said, “No Fucking Way.”
I always thought of myself as more of the Ani Difranco type. So, what happened? Well, with each role I took on (first wife, then mother, then household manager) I tried to live up to an expectation of perfection. I took on each role and left myself behind. I allowed myself to be defined by how well I could meet others’ needs. I was pushing myself toward some constantly moving state of perfection where everything would be “just so” and everyone would be happy. But how could I be all things to all people if I couldn’t even be a small something to myself?
No wonder I felt harried. No wonder I felt resentful. I needed to put the I back in
MY LIFE. Boom.
I needed to put the I back in MY LIFE.
This is the powerful I that shows up in powerful questions like “What am I here for?” “How do I want to come alive?” “How do I want to make an impact on the world?
That powerful I stands for the first person singular – me. Me as a singular being – creative, crazy, kind and completely me.
It also stands for Intention, Inspiration and Intuition – three core values that have become guiding principles for me, as I strive to live more fully aligned and connected to my spiritual self.
In the coming weeks, I will share my reflection on each of these and what they mean to me. Stay tuned!
It took many months of soul-searching to figure out what was missing from the picture. Here are the cliff notes: It was me – I was missing. I had taken on my roles as mother, spouse, household manager with such fervor that I left myself behind. I wanted to provide my kids with every opportunity that I could; I wanted to keep a beautiful house with a garden that provided food; I wanted to make my husband happy, glad to come home after a long day at work. If you had told me when I was twenty-two that I would be emulating June Cleaver in twenty years, I would have said, “No Fucking Way.”
I always thought of myself as more of the Ani Difranco type. So, what happened? Well, with each role I took on (first wife, then mother, then household manager) I tried to live up to an expectation of perfection. I took on each role and left myself behind. I allowed myself to be defined by how well I could meet others’ needs. I was pushing myself toward some constantly moving state of perfection where everything would be “just so” and everyone would be happy. But how could I be all things to all people if I couldn’t even be a small something to myself?
No wonder I felt harried. No wonder I felt resentful. I needed to put the I back in
MY LIFE. Boom.
I needed to put the I back in MY LIFE.
This is the powerful I that shows up in powerful questions like “What am I here for?” “How do I want to come alive?” “How do I want to make an impact on the world?
That powerful I stands for the first person singular – me. Me as a singular being – creative, crazy, kind and completely me.
It also stands for Intention, Inspiration and Intuition – three core values that have become guiding principles for me, as I strive to live more fully aligned and connected to my spiritual self.
In the coming weeks, I will share my reflection on each of these and what they mean to me. Stay tuned!
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