J. S. Curtis Coaching
personal coaching for powerful change
  • About
    • About Me >
      • My Story
    • Inspiration
  • Services
    • Coaching >
      • Coaching through Transitions
      • Anchored and Adept in Uncertain Times
      • Magic and Meaning in Mid-Life
      • FAQ
      • Logistics
    • Workshops
    • Facilitation
    • Testimonials
  • Contact
  • Blog
    • Subscribe

The Tension in Paradox

5/8/2018

1 Comment

 
Picture
Last week I was wanting to immerse myself in the moments, soaking up my children, as the years seem to slipping past in a matter of breaths.

Two weeks ago, I was standing in my kitchen doing a jig, as I sent them out the door to school because, finally, I had the house to myself.

I am constantly living in the tension of wanting more time to myself and wanting this time with my kids to never end. How do I reconcile myself to this paradox that lives within me?

The home video pops on again in my head: 

The mom (me) eagerly pushes the kids out the door in the mornings, over and over again. The years go by and we see them grow from preschoolers to tweens to full fledged adolescents. And then one day, she sends them out the door with a kiss or a cheery wave, and they don’t come back. Because it’s the last time, and now they’re off to live in the world as adults.


My breath quickens and my eyes begin to prickle with tears.

In real time now, I am watching them through the sliding glass doors. They are outside on the deck, having just gotten out of the pool on this summer-like May day. One is working on homework at the table and another is watching over her shoulder. The third is gearing up for his bike ride and chatting about how good the pool will feel after his ride.

Can I bottle these moments? Or at least the feelings of contentment and pleasure that come into my heart in watching them? Because there are also so many difficult moments -  when people are being insensitive or ignoring directions or insisting that they know what’s best.

As if they sense the road my thoughts are heading down, they start to get silly. I see the oldest drawing on her little brother’s face amidst giggles. I swallow the reproach that is on the tip of my tongue. It is a sweet interaction, so I pretend not to notice.

I have an inkling of awareness as I write this that the dissonance shows up in matters concerning control. When my son draws on himself even though I have asked him not to, my control buttons get pushed. When all three start laughing at full volume and flailing around on the couch because someone has told a fart joke, and I am trying to work quietly at the table, I get irritated because I am not in control of my environment.

In the bigger picture, I am wanting to control how quickly they grow up. If time were frozen, I could feel in control. As they grow up, less and less is in my control.

What would it be like to need less control? I feel my shoulders go down a notch, just in asking that question. Clearly, I would have less tension in my life, at the very least.

If I needed less control, I would have fewer arguments with my kids about their volume or exuberance levels. If I needed less control, I would have more patience for things getting done differently than how I would do them. If I needed less control, I would be more relaxed when faced with new or unfamiliar situations. 


Perhaps it would be easier to traverse the hills and valleys of parenting if I invited ease into my step and let go of needing to be the one holding the roadmap at all times.

For today, that means letting marker on the face be no big deal. It seems like a good place to start.


Where does the desire for control show up for you? What would be the impact of letting go of some of that control?


Picture
​Jessica Curtis is a professional coach who helps people cultivate intention and live from a place of meaning and authenticity. If you think you could benefit from working with Jessica or want to invite her to work with your group, reach out to start a conversation.
​

Sign-up to receive my newsletter and blog to your Inbox:
Subscribe
1 Comment
Barbara
5/8/2018 06:04:16 pm

I certainly relate to this post. I think that we spend the first half of our lives learning how to control things, from learning to walk and talk, read,
get along with others and so on. Somewhere around midlife we have to learn how to let go of control --- of our families, our work, our friends, our bodies. Not easy.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Archives

    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2014
    August 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014

    Categories

    All
    Awe
    Balance
    Beginning
    Belonging
    Coloring
    Creativity
    Cycles
    Embodiment
    Fulfillment
    Geography
    Good Enough
    Gratitude
    Honesty
    Hope
    Intention
    Letting Go
    Living Space
    Loss
    Milestones
    Mindfulness
    Mortality
    Moving Forward
    Nature
    New Year
    Noticing
    Parenting
    Personal Growth
    Perspectives
    Practice
    Presence
    Questions
    Resilience
    Self Care
    Self Compassion
    Self-Compassion
    Simplicity
    Solitude
    Stillness
    Transitions
    Values
    Vulnerability
    Yoga Practice
    Zen

    RSS Feed

    Author

    Jessica Curtis is a coach, a writer and a spiritual seeker.

    I work with individuals wanting to dive deeper into their lives, to cultivate balance, foster self-awareness and nurture their souls.

    Through this blog, I invite you to explore and be curious: What are you learning about yourself? about your journey? 

    Contact me - I would love to chat with you about where you are now and where you would like to be.

Email:
jessica@jscurtiscoaching.com​

Phone:
​774-545-6659


​​​Jessica S. Curtis, M.Ed., CPCC, PCC

Picture
Picture
Copyright © 2020