That’s how I feel today. After an intense weekend of work for my church and an hour less of sleep thrown in, I am sitting here feeling empty. Outside, March weather has returned – damp and 40 degrees. The ground is bare, but from where I sit, I see no signs of spring, no signs of renewal. And that’s how it feels on the inside, too.
I have no desire to wake myself up with stretching or aerobic activity. Instead, I keep seeing my still-unmade bed in my mind’s eye, tempting me to come nestle under the covers.
Trying to be gentle with myself, I remember that I may still be run down after being sick last week. I remind myself that according to my body clock, I have been getting up an hour earlier than usual the last few days.
Intuitively, I know there is more to it than that. I sense resistance, an awareness that there are some difficult things to tackle. And instead of taking up the Momastery mantra of “we can do hard things,” I feel myself wanting to go hide under the covers and blame it on the weather.
Today is the Ides of March, and while the term "ides" simply means the day of the Roman calendar that falls roughly in the middle of the month, I have always thought of it as a word that portends misfortune, thanks to Shakespeare's soothsayer in the play Julius Caesar. ("Beware the ides of March."). Of course, my cousin, who is celebrating her birthday today, might be inclined to disagree with my portrayal of this mid-month date.
In any case, in this moment, I can sense apprehension holding me back. I have no urge to “dig in” to what’s germinating in me, no desire to get my hands dirty and experience discomfort. Instead, I’m sitting here hoping that renewal simply will appear in my lap – in the form of an inspiring blog post.
I’m still waiting.
Perhaps there is no “a-ha” for me today. Perhaps it is a day of simply putting one foot in front of the other.
So, once I have finished writing this, I will get up from my desk and walk down to the bathroom and turn on a load of laundry. From there, I will go downstairs and wash the breakfast dishes that sit waiting in the sink. After those tasks, I’ll want to get back to “work stuff,” so I’ll come back upstairs and follow-up on a few emails and write out my weekly “to-do” list. I was supposed to do that yesterday, but a lack of enthusiasm made me put it off.
And then, perhaps, I will convince myself to go for a walk before the rain picks up again.
One foot in front of the other. Sometimes that’s the best that we can do.
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