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One Year Later

9/6/2016

14 Comments

 
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My mother-in-law was called Ama by all of her grandchildren. It was a name that suited her well – playful, quirky and heartfelt. 

This weekend we celebrated the one year anniversary of Ama’s death. Actually, I’m not sure celebrated is the right word. Perhaps, acknowledged would be better.

We gathered in a circle and spread her ashes. We listened to some words she had written not long before she died. We cried a little and hugged a little and watched the kids run off to play hide and seek, excited to have a day with their cousins.

I love that they can seek out a hug of reassurance and yell, “not it!” all in the same breath.

A year has gone by and we continue to miss her. I think of all the milestones she would have loved to have witnessed: a first year of college, a first year of All-Star baseball, a school trip to Florida, a first year of middle school, a first cycling season, a trip to YMCA nationals for swimming…the list goes on.

I no longer feel devastated by this loss. Instead, it feels like it has become woven into the fabric of who I am. Golden threads that glint with memory, dark hues imbued with depth.

I am grateful for what her journey has given me. I still feel sadness, too.


It’s not just this year’s milestones that she will have missed. She is going to keep on missing them. And that’s exactly why she didn’t want it to be her time to die.

I hold onto the notion that Ama is still part of our experience – only she’s on the inside now.

Perhaps by writing it, I will it to be true.

Because there are times when I feel overcome by a sense of loss and worry that her voice in my head will start to grow quieter and the memories will begin to blur.


And so I conjure her memory as I go through my day - remembering how much she loved the sedum in our front garden for it’s unusual hue, seeing her playfully squished up face in reaction to the dirty feet of little boys traipsing through the house, hearing her laugh at her own forgetfulness, watching her snuggle up so expertly on the couch with anyone looking for a quiet moment.

When someone embraces life so fully, it’s impossible not to let your own heart fill up in response. And that is exactly the gift she has given me. A hundred times over.

Perhaps celebrated is the right word after all.



“Don't be too sad as you think of me, I am just loving you in a new way..."
​

​
Judy Carrithers Concemi
Dec. 3, 1943 - Sept. 4, 2015

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14 Comments
Barbara
9/6/2016 11:45:33 am

Lovely.

Reply
Jessica
9/6/2016 08:19:49 pm

Thank you!

Reply
Lydia MacManus
9/6/2016 12:03:12 pm

Jess this was beautiful. It gave me chills.

Reply
Jessica
9/6/2016 08:11:18 pm

Thank you for reading, Lydia.

Reply
Beth C
9/6/2016 02:07:52 pm

Jess, you made me cry at work... and feel so hopeful at the same time. Just wonderful. Thank you for sharing Ama.

Reply
Jessica
9/6/2016 08:10:18 pm

Thank you, Beth. I'm glad it resonated for you.

Reply
Reina R. Rago
9/6/2016 07:27:31 pm

We share a common experience. Yesterday, I too, was present at the spreading of my father-in-laws ashes. Jim's dad, who I knew for over 25 years, passed away last year. I did not attend his funeral (I wasn't invited), but I was invited to attend yesterday's ceremony. I feel a profound sense of loss as I know you do too. Watching my ex-husband spread his dad's ashes was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. I feel blessed to have known Jim's father who was also my father. Thank you for sharing your words.

Reply
Jessica
9/6/2016 08:19:22 pm

Thanks for sharing, Reina. I'm glad you were able to have this closure with your former father-in-law. Grief doesn't notice new boundary lines. Hugs to you.

Reply
Howard Stanten
9/7/2016 08:36:40 am

Beautiful tribute. I love where you landed.

Reply
Jessica
9/7/2016 10:34:13 am

Thanks, Howard. I appreciate your comment.

Reply
Amanda Wright
9/7/2016 09:23:04 am

Beautiful piece, Jessica. I love the way you are remembering her and creating space, through your writing, for your mother-in-law to live on.

Reply
Jessica
9/7/2016 10:31:46 am

What a lovely sentiment, Amanda! Thank you.

Reply
Edith McRae
9/9/2016 03:55:36 pm

Thank you, Jessica, thank you.

Reply
Jessica
9/9/2016 04:38:22 pm

Hugs to you, Edie.

Reply



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    Jessica Curtis is a coach, a writer and a spiritual seeker.

    I work with individuals wanting to dive deeper into their lives, to cultivate balance, foster self-awareness and nurture their souls.

    Through this blog, I invite you to explore and be curious: What are you learning about yourself? about your journey? 

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